Sino Si Kat????

Met her finally (4 times in one day actually). It was just funny the way we were introduced and the way we started talking. We hit it right away coz maybe we have so many things in common. For one, we have the same name (duh!)...second, we're both singers (she's waaaay better though..haha!)...third, we came from the same management, and i was discovered by a band that she was part of before...galing no? =)
It was funny coz while we were talking, when people would shout, "Kat!", we'd both look. Hahaha!! Then Kat would say, "eto talaga yung pwede mong sabihin na 'sino si kat??'"

A tap on the shoulders...

The thought of being 30 scared the hell out of me...

Call it the "birthday blues"...call it anything you want...but I was just plain miserable. The funny thing was, the past few weeks were ok. No problems at home, work was busy but it was manageable, I was surrounded by great friends who made me laugh, plus I had a great long weekend with one of the greatest bands in the country...I should have been ecstatic!

I wasn't.

Don't get me wrong. I'm alone, but I'm not lonely. Empty? Hmm...maybe. Why? I really don't know.

I guess in a way, I felt useless. If you've been religiously reading my blogs, you'd know that I have this "messiah complex"...I have a need to save othe people. I want to be needed. That's just how I am. Especially with friends. Regardless of how tired I am, I try my best to be there for a friend...to at least listen or share some thoughts. For the past few months, it was me who needed saving. From what? I don't know!

But God has a way of tapping you on the shoulder...a few weeks ago, I received some texts from some friends who have chanced upon by blogs. My blogs actually make a difference! The words and messages somehow touched their lives and made them realize a lot of things. One of my friends even said that she was longing to find someone to talk to about her problem but didn't know who to turn to until she read my blogs. I'm meeting her this week. =)

God is trying to tell me that in my own little way, without me knowing it, I am still helping people. I am still needed. Yey!!!!

I'm still trying to find ME...I'm still trying to answer the never-ending questions that have been occupying a large space in my brain..slowly but surely I will. Everyday, God is trying to tap me on the shoulder so that I could carefully fill up the void in my heart.

There's more!!! Just as I was writing this blog, 3 of my officemates, approached me and asked me how I manage to come to the office with a good disposition all the time. They asked me how I manage to smile despite all the bad gossip I get from some people in the office.

I just smiled and said, "Pangit kasi ako pag nakasimangot eh."

They thanked me and said that my disposition was contagious. One even hugged me and said, "you're a good person."

God did it again. Thanks for the tap! =)

Beautiful Sadness...

I've been pretty much protective of my heart lately. I haven't allowed anyone to enter just yet because I'm still scared of getting hurt...because of this, one of the guys that I hang out with described me as "uptight"...then he said, "I wish I knew you before your heart was torn into pieces.."

And maybe the reason why I entered into a relationship so soon after my heartache was because I settled. I told myself that this is better because I know that I wouldn't get hurt anymore if I didn't fall in love. I was right. I didn't get hurt. But I was more sad when I was with him than when I was alone. And it was unfair...truth is, I realized that I wasn't ready--to enter into a relationship, to fall in love, to get hurt again.

I don't think I'll ever be ready soon...but I guess at the back of my mind, I'm still looking forward to the thought of feeling giddy again and feeling the butterflies on my stomach and the goosebumps at the back of my neck...

There are a few out there who are trying. And they're fine men. But I still am looking for someone who could tell me that they're worth the pain...that they're worth the sacrifice...I'm not looking for someone who'll promise me that they'll never hurt me or make me cry...let's face it folks..that is one big lie. Let's be realistic here...I'd rather go for a guy who'd make me cry but will make sure that he dries my tears and picks me up after each fall.

Anyway, I got this text last night and I want to share it with you guys...after reading it, I didn't feel sad anymore...or maybe I still am, but I'm thankful that I'm feeling whatever I'm feeling right now.

In one episode of South Park, Stan found his friend Butters who just had his heart broken...sitting on a rain-soaked curb and in tears:

Butters: "Uh, well yeah, I'm sad, but at the same time I'm really happy that something could make me feel this sad. It's like..it makes you feel alive, you know...it makes you feel human. The only way i can feel this sad now is I felt something really good before...so i have to take the bad with the good..so I guess what I'm feeling is like a beautiful sadness"